Category Archives: humor

Nausea at the Newseum

(Now that the Newseum is closing down in Washington DC, We’ve dusted off an old column to remember its heroic glory and add to the accolades both pro and con).

“We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who comes on at five,
She can tell you bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It’s interesting when people die, we love dirty laundry …”
— Don Henley

If you want to meet that bubble-head, just drop a Jackson and visit the shiny new Newseum on the Mall in Washington DC. She’s there in her natural element, enshrined in a vast warehouse of media fantasies, in a vacuum so complete that even a news chopper hanging from the ceiling virtually vanishes into irrelevance.

It’s not just the unbelievable architecture that gives you vertigo. The enormous empty space is a perfect reflection of the modern profession: Beautiful exteriors, vacuous interiors. A $450 million monument to a profession that is devouring its young.

It’s a saccharine sepulcher of the supine press. A tomb, not a monument. Or, as Steven Colbert said, a “Newsoleum.”

Wait. Are we being unfair? Gosh! Gee! Whiz! What’s not to like about the press? Even Superman commits journalism. Kent Brockman … Clark Kent … Dan Rather …. whats the diff? And why shouldn’t Fox “News” owner Rupert Murdoch have more or less the same place in the history of the news media as Joseph Pulitzer?

Continue reading

Epic fail, dude.

( News item:  National Security Agency monitoring online games. ) 

By Linda Burton

Hey did you catch that level 90 Hun-tard in guild flex? What a fricking noob! Why the hell didn’t the GM kick his ass? The dude face-pulled trash and wiped us twice! How he managed to have an ilvl high enough for SOO is unreal! Continue reading

On April 1, Google re-introduced Morse Code …

Note the two buttons - dot and dash - on the "Gmail tap."

Yes, its just two keys that express the entire alphabet.   And, while we’re at it, what about hand-set type and manual printing presses?

(Note the date – April 1) !

Letters to the science editor, 2016

Now that the average American has taken a  serious interest in science,  we’re seeing all kinds of new debates.  People  worry about radiative forcing and the use of the Stefan-Boltzmann constant in global climate models, among other things. So it’s not hard to imagine that there will be a lot more of this ersatz erudition in the media. Here are a few of the letters to the editor we will probably be seeing soon:

  • The so-called Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction theory is ridiculous!  Iridium does not kill dinosaurs !! Show me just one tiny bit of evidence that a dinosaur ever keeled over after being exposed to iridium! You cant, can you? Stupid ass scientists.   —  BJR, Lubbock, Tx.
  • It’s hard to believe anyone but an outright moron would accept the Kepert model as a modification of the valence shell electron pair repulsion theory. VSEPR theory is practically written in the Bible.  You will fry in hell, Kepert model fools! — TD, Richmond, Va.
  • Bateman’s biological principle is clearly an abomination in the sight of God. I cant tell you how repulsive it is to have this taught to my children in school.  If people didn’t believe in Bateman’s principle, biology teachers would be cast out of their lucrative $40,000 a year jobs.   When oh when will these lying scientists ever learn? — BZ, Bozeman, MT.
  • Quantum Field Theory? Ha! Just a plot by montrachet swilling mathematicians!   — YN, Portland, ME.
  • And that goes DOUBLE for the Banach–Tarski paradox!  — YN, Portland, ME.

America's Content Farmers

EDUCATIONAL SHORT FEATURE
USDI, WASHINGTON DC, JAN. 22, 2020
“AMERICA’S CONTENT FARMERS — A READ APART”

(Music swells)
(Fade in “USDI Approved” logo)
(Shots of sunrise with topic silos in the background)
(Music fades)
(Cue announcer)

It’s dawn on the content farm, and the violent hues of night give way to the blood-read clouds of mourning.

From the barnes, you can hear the noble crowing of a booster and the clucking of the dickens. In the background there’s the sweet googling of journos, braying for their beats, while the bores grunt in their pens.

Continue reading